Starting Over

I've been working in the human services field for almost my entire adult life. I don't really know anything else. I know the acronyms, the processes, the limitations and the triumphs. I have spent holidays, birthdays and major life events with a company that I am no longer allowed to even visit. It's a little heartbreaking.

The worst part about it, is that it was my own fault. I was not paying attention. I could say I'd just had a baby, or it was a holiday, or I was overwhelmed...all of which are true, by the way. But I could just as easily say that I was lazy and distracted and pretty sure that I'd never get caught...also all true.

I lost a job that I didn't really want and I put my family into a period of hardship that I was unprepared for. The guilt was terrible. I'm pretty sure that if I'd had insurance and could have gone to the doctor, I'd have been diagnosed with depression. It was hard to get out of bed some days. I slept for hours and was still tired, and I felt worthless. In my intellectual mind I realized that I am not worthless, but it was hard to shake the blues. I felt like if I hated that job and felt like it the tasks were not hard and I still couldn't do it well enough to keep it, there must be something really, really wrong with me.

Fast forward to today. I feel a little better. I still have days when the new commute and the cost of parking and the time away from my kids makes me a little weepy. I still have days where I hate that my new job equals way more time away from them than I feel is acceptable. I still wonder if I'm going to be good at this job the way I wanted to be at the other one.

My new job is with a software company. I am a tech support analyst and I guess in computer terms you could say that I have had an update installed. Ninja's Life 2.0 - Starting Over.


safire said...

I'm sorry to hear about about your stresses and I hope things adjust for you. Sending you best wishes!

Julie said...

We make mistakes. God didn't make us perfect. You can't undo the past but you can make today awesome.
Quality, not quantity is what you have now so do you best and let the Lord do the rest.
You are an awesome woman, mother, wife and friend. You will learn from this and move forward. It's how you are made and who you are.
Take care and remember you have friends that love you and support you (along with your family). Life will be great. Just smile and remember you are awesome!!!

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