I love reading the inspirational stories of faith filled women on the internet. The stories that lift you up and remind you that no amount of awful can overcome joy if you resolve to make it so. I feel, as is probably intended, like they are speaking directly to me, be peaceful Nellie, your savior loves you, you are doing just fine.
They tell us about their past. the addiction, the pain, the suffering, and the awful crap that could have destroyed them. Could have turned them into bitter, angry husks of the woman they were destined to be. They talk about the years spent in a haze, the things that they did while at rock bottom, about surviving, of hurting the people who tried to help them, of the reasons they have to despise themselves.
They talk about the Moment, the one when they realized that they were off course. They tell about coming back to reality and the hard work it takes to go from giving up to giving it their all. They tell us how they turn failure into success, and how everyday is a struggle.
And we identify with parts of the story.
We cry at the truth they speak, because it touches our soul.
We pass it along to our friends and say: Read this it will change your life.
I want to tell stories that change lives.
I want to live a life that inspires others.
I want to speak truth; hard, ugly, but cleansing, truth.
The problem is, I don't think my middle of the road, making it, totally thankful, messy life is one that people want to hear about, or can identify with. I'm knee deep in babies and full time job and girl scouts and family. Life is not easy, but I've never truly fallen away. I've never had addiction, infidelity, abuse, neglect or even a prolonged really hard time to overcome. I am blessed in ways I don't deserve and didn't earn.
I'm sure I could find a hundred things to complain about:
I probably have ADHD or some variant of screwy brain chemicals that affects my focus.
I HATE housecleaning
I have all the student loans
I procrastinate, like whoa.
etc, etc, etc....
But those things are not special, they are not extraordinary, Basically, I feel that there's nothing significant about me or my journey that is ever going to inspire others. I've never been an outcast, or part of the in crowd. I didn't have a string of bad relationships. I never lost touch only to find my way back to a long lost someone.
I struggle with my desire to share stories about my life because I don't think they matter to anyone but me. I desperately want to write about my life, and have it be meaningful to others; (which I recognize is a bit cloying, I'm not totally unaware of my weirdness) but ever the worst critic of myself, I worry that deciding to try to share in a bigger way will result in being shot down for being so dratted ordinary.
When you've lived this type of life and you have no real hardship to speak to, it's hard not to come off sounding holier than thou when you talk to people. "I've basically been blessed my whole life, look at how awesome I am!" But that's never been my outlook. Life is hard, everyone has things in their lives that aren't great but you get through it, right? And you are thankful for the good things because you know that there are bad things and the good things make it so you can bear the bad things with a little more grace.
And I'm not wishing for hardship, or requesting a test of faith, I just wish there was a way that I could use my peace filled life, and experiences with getting through the small hardships as a way to help others to recognize the small wonders in their lives. To be thankful, to be peaceful, to feel forgiven and accepted, and to know that small lives are not wasted lives. I wish there was an audience for that, because I see the things being put on TV and the internet. People feel less than fulfilled because they don't live like a musician, or famous athlete, or one of the Kardashians. There's a premium placed on a life full of drama and nothing noteworthy attributed to a normal life with kids and Sunday school and birthday parties in your living room.
I guess what I wish is for a world where value was placed on making ends meet, and loving your babies, and staying faithful because you made a promise. I wish I could use my life to help others see the joy of small things, and the peace of a thankful heart.
No really, I do.
Before I had 4 children I was able to pack up the girls and drop them off at the childcare center at the gym and walk three miles on the treadmill with little effort. It was all so easy.
It is no longer easy.
4 is different than 2 in a few ways(because math), the most annoying of which is that 4 is considered too many for the gym childcare center. If you ask me, no one needs the gym child care center more than a mother of 4, but I would be requiring more than a reasonable amount of support for my children, 2 is the limit. So I stopped paying to go to that gym. and now I don't have any gym, and I miss the gym.
Luckily the weather has become agreeable in Missouri this week and when I go home this afternoon there will likely be enough light to allow me to unfold the behemoth and take the kiddos for a long walk around the park.
Sunshine has shown interest in a birthday 5K and Erin has agreed to accompany us as long as we don't decide to sprint it. I feel like sprinting in my current state would likely lead to cardiac emergency followed quickly by death, but we won't spend a lot of time on that. Needless to say, I need to get my butt movin (because for serious you guys, my butt is huge, again)
I sincerely hope that I can make the hard changes and get healthy again, but I'm not as sure as I was before. Mutti has started counting calories and is losing. Jeeves gave up pizza for lent and is losing. I have an unhealthy addiction to cheddar pretzels and I'm retaining water and emotional all the time.
I'm hoping that a new set of goals, and perhaps a bigger end goal will be the thing to keep me on track. I want to take my mom on a road trip to Texas and eat at a few places we have seen on the food network and go to some amusement parks, because we both love roller coasters. I need to get down to about 165, and I don't know what I currently weight but I'm guessing I need to drop about 70 pounds, if not more.
Next on the docket, buying a new scale, fleecing the pantry and finding a way to find the balance I need. More Water, More Sleep, More Movement, Less Food.