IT

While perusing the blog roll this morning one of my soul sisters was talking about the challenges of keeping your crap together during the less than awesome times that come along in the journey through mommy-hood.

There are lots of poems and pictures and songs and yada,yada,yada about how awesome parenting is, how sweet your babies skin smells after a bath, how your 5 year old draws pictures filled with hearts and "i love Mommy"s. There are also a few (paper towel and cleaning supply commercials, anyone else think this is ironic) that portray a slightly messier version.

My problem with these commercials, the second batch, is that they allow the commercial mom to freeze time in order to clean up the mess and show her smiling sweetly as she finishes getting the milk, macaroni and cheese and dirty dog water off of every surface in her home. What they never show, and can you blame them, is the reality of the losing battle Mom's wage when trying to clean up a massive mess. Because when "IT" happens, and by "IT" I mean the epic disaster mess of red kool aid, marinara sauce or sharpie, you don't just have the "IT" to deal with.

You also probably have:
1. an absent partner - Jeeves has this uncanny way of never being around when IT happens. He has just run to the store, or is at a movie with his dad, or whatever. He's not there to help with the cleaning or to wrangle the three short people who are in various stages of mental health crisis over my reaction to IT.

2.No time to deal - these things almost never happen when everyone is just relaxing and you totally have the two plus hours its going to take to restore your home. IT happens 15 minutes before church on Easter morning, or right before you have a reunion dinner planned with your girl friends from high school. "What do you mean you flushed an orange peel down the toilet?!?!?"

3. Crying Children - whether the one who caused IT, or the frightened siblings watching the madness unfold from a safe corner, odds are someone is crying. Not quietly, or subtly; but outright snot running, sobbing, heaving, hyperventilating, madness. This, btw, does not help things get cleaned up faster. It also does nothing for your personal mental state as your spine begins to curve and you transform into a terrifying mashup of werewolf and Maeificent from Sleeping Beauty.

Why the eff are YOU crying???

4. Curious Children - if they are not whimpering under the couches, it's a fair bet your kids are wearing their rain boots, holding an umbrella in the middle of the puddle of fruit punch stomping around like they are making wine and saying, "Hey look mommy, red rain!"

I'll show you red rain...

5. Needy Kids - blissfully unaware of the dramatic ballet of cleaning that is required to make a home sanitary after a mid-living room barf fest, one of your tiny people usually decides that you being elbow deep in last night's halfway digested pizza is the perfect time to communicate how hungry she is, and thirsty too, and how she never gets chocolate milk anymore, and how she is just going to die if she doesn't get something to eat and drink right noooowwwwwwwwww. What!?!?!? I'm having a hard time not adding to the puddle of toddler tummy flotsam and she's talking about a hot dog and chocolate milk.

Honey Badger in 3....2....1....


6. Migraine, Morning Sickness, Hangover...........- cause for realz, kids seem to have some sort of evil radar that pings when mommy's barf-o-meter is at 9.5. They pick that time to give the 10 month old a sharpie, or decide that they can pour their own juice, or find your nail polish in the bathroom, or come out of the bedroom saying, "Mommy we love the way your lotion smells, and the floor in the bathroom is so slippery." Yes, thank you, barely hanging on to my breakfast of a half of a pop-tart that my 4 year old didn't eat and a slightly questionable taco, is going to be so much easier while attempting to squeegee up a puddle of Love Spell scented lotion in the bathroom where the babies diapers have been sitting a day longer than they should have.

Life is awesome.

Sometimes it's awesomely great.

Sometimes it sucks, awesomely.