2/15/2012

Ironical and Kinda Unfair

The 10 Great Ironies of Pregnancy

1. During the one point in your life when you want more than anything to be able to maintain your "lower body hair situation," you can either
       a. not see the area in need of trimming, which poses an issue because it's not a place you want to take a sharp instrument to blind; or
       b. not reach it. The center of gravity is off, so bending over is not possible and if you sit down your leg will only come up so far...unless you have an un-squeamish and lovely person to ask for assistance in these areas your child might be born thinking his mother is the Lady Sasquatch.

2. You wanna, but you can't, and if you did it would not only not be fun, it might hurt and could potentially lead to labor...don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.

3. I could justify eating just about anything and am stuck sipping meal replacement shakes because there is so much KID in my abdomen. I went all out and had some ramen for dinner last night, I felt like such a rebel, calories for the day: 800...with the ramen. This would be an effective diet plan if it didn't entail insanity, sciatica, constipation and you know, growing a person.

4. As much as you wanted to look pregnant during the first 6 months, now you want people to just shut it already about how "huge you are" come on folks, really, this is your sound plan for social interactions. Let's talk about the size of an emotionally disturbed, hormone factory who is weeks away from having a thing squirm it's way out of her lady bits and expect that it's all gonna be okay... Good call

5. People keep giving you gifts, for someone else. I'm not really broken up about this one. Getting baby gifts is fun and gets you all excited about seeing your little one in the pajamas, hooded towel, horribly ugly outfits and bizarre hand-me-downs from your own childhood. Trust me, dressing your kids in weird crap is as much fun as putting you dog in a costume, if not more so. Dogs have no shame, kids will someday date...*giggles with maniacal glee*

6. It is totally permissible for you to leave the house in "creative wardrobe alternatives" i.e. pajamas cleverly disguised as "maternity clothes" however you don't. You don't because if you add pajamas to the waddle, water retention, sciatic limp and constant terrified faces thanks to errant kicks and braxton hicks contractions... you fear that you might slip into a state of such overwhelming and creepy frump-dom that not even Stacy and Quentin could haul your mammoth ass out of it.

7. Little people want to sit in your lap, problem is you no longer have a lap. Mine even go so far as to want to sit on top of the bump, not a problem for say, my 9 month old nephew, however my 40 pound 5 year old is another story (no honey, we don't want your brother to be born looking like a deflated balloon.)

8. Awesome Boobs...they aren't fun, or comfortable and they are still dwarfed by your expanding midsection, but taken independently from the rest of you...awesome

9.You keep trying to relax but are unable to fight the call of nature which whispers in your ear like the voice in "Field of Dreams", "The sock drawer should be organized by thread count, color and seasonal wear...." or "You just washed those baby clothes with regular baby detergent not extra special, sensitive skin baby detergent, better just redo it..." and lastly, "You just sat down but guess what, now you have to pee..."

10. If you've done this more than once, which is a safe bet, people are going to ask you questions like, "Are you done now" and "So you've got your boy, no more babies, right?" Then when you are unsure about the future plans, and by unsure I mean you are not planning a tube tying party the same day as the birth, they look at you like you've got six heads and start comparing you to the Duggars or the Goslings.
I ask you, what is it about pregnant women that gives people momentary loss of all social appropriateness and diarrhea of the mouth? Here's the deal, when I want your opinion on how many children I ought to have, whether or not I should breast feed, if I'm going to circumcise the kid, and how often we will force him to wear girls clothing for fun, I'll ask for it. Unless and until I do, shut your trap, yo.

There you have it, hope it gave you a giggle.
Smooches, Nellie

4 comments:

safire said...

Great list. I've never been pregnant myself but this list is very informative :)

Laura Belle said...

giggling, smiggling....I'm dying here! rolling. simply rolling on the floor laughing.

you crack me up. and despite all the above that you mentioned, I can't wait to be pregnant!

Amanda said...

#2 - Worrying about labor starting was never an issue for me. My boys arrived in a leisurely fashion, at 41 weeks +4 and 41 weeks +5, respectively. No, the Gum Zombie did NOT get the message that second and later children are to emerge from the womb less tardily than their elder siblings.

#5 - I was obsessed with stripey socks for my boys. And if I couldn't find Seussian stripey socks, they wore blazingly red ones. No, I don't know why, but there are awesome pictures out there. Hee!!

Ana said...

I giggled my coffee all over my coffee table (it's named for it right, so the table deserves coffee on it one way or another!)!!

I love #5--I cannot tell you how much I love #5!!!

You mean you don't want to know my stand on every, single baby thing out there, vehemently agree with me, and follow my advice to the t??? *gasp!* Hahaha, I don't blame you :) I didn't do that either!!

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