I am not an Animal!

The dentist was a harrowing experience. I had three cavities filled. I will give you the play by play because I feel like sharing.

First I sat in the chair and the dentist's assistant put the little paper bib on my, which was too tight, and made my neck itch. Then he stuck this long q-tip with a topical numbing agent on it into my mouth where the needle for the Novocaine was going. The icky tasting topical ran down my throat and instantly my stomach went, "Oh, no, this is gonna be bad" After the first two shots, which were not too bad, he began drilling, which was also not bad until I began to smell something burning. The burning smell combined with the pluthera of fingers in my mouth and the constant light infuriating spray of water made me start to gag, which was not pretty.

At one point the assistant with the spit-sucker thing got a little crazy and started getting it stuck to my lips and tongue, which gave me a serious case of the giggles, which as you can imagine aren't good when a guy has a sharp drill in your mouth. I would get myself under control and then he would start giggling too, which would set me off again. It was like a dental bloopers reel, only not as funny as in the movies. 

After the first two teeth were drilled he decided he was going to fill a third but he was going to fill one of the first two before drilling the third. But before filling the tooth he gave me another shot of whatever and then he stuck this bizarre flexible metal thing around my tooth which he called a "fence" to help the filling do what it was supposed to. It wrapped around my tooth and was attached to a 3-4 inch metal rod which housed the tightening mechanism. so while it was around my tooth I couldn't close my mouth. that had to stay there for awhile, which would have been fine, but the dude kept talking to me..
Him: "How many kids do you have?
Me: "Phu"
Him: "two? boy or girls"
Me: "Urls"
Him: "Oh, how nice, I love kids, Wait, weren't yours the cute little ones in here a week or two ago that were super excited about being at the dentist."
Me: "Es." (thinking Wow, you are like 30 and you remember kids, either they made a really big impression or you are a creeper...)
Him: "They were so great, I love it when kids are so happy to be at the dentist." (Phew, it was a big impression, i think...)
Me: "Eh, ey ere appy" (dude, shut up!")

Anyway the packing of the filling was like torture and the dentist kept saying stuff about the noise of the drill and the tooth impaler instrument.
Him: "That's the worst noise isn't it?"
Me: nodding but thinking, "Yeah, it's the noise and not the yanking on my face and the growing worry that I am going to be able to star in 'The Hills Have Eyes 3' sans makeup when you are done...dude shut up!"

But he didn't, he started talking about my eyes and how they were a very neat shade of green, with some brown, and how pretty they are, yada, yada, yada....Dude. Shut. Up!

So they finished, it took about an hour to fill all three teeth and at the end of it I felt like a stroke victim, the entire lower half of the left side of my face was completely numb. I could barely talk, or lick my lips and forget drinking anything because my tongue was numb too, which made the cool water I tried to drink feel hot on one side of my tongue but normal and cool on the other. Disconcerting, to say the least.

Then I went over to Mutti's and she asked me order a pizza for dinner (still sick to my stomach at this point), I get on the phone with the kid at the pizza place and I felt like Joesph Merrick, the poor kid could not understand what I was saying for half of the conversation. It took almost 6 hours for me to be able to speak normally and not look crazy when I spoke.I ate one piece of pizza because by the end of it the pain of chewing, still being sick to my stomach and the weirdness of only feeling the food one one side of my mouth got to me.

All I have to say is Thank God it's Friday, I need a break from this week.


Amanda said...

Things that suck: getting fillings.

Things that suck more: getting fillings from a really REALLY talkative dentist.

Welcome to Friday -- you've earned it!

safire said...

TGIF! You deserve a great weekend.

I remember getting my wisdom teeth pulled out and it was a gruesome experience.

Ana said...

Hahahaha! I am so sorry my dear Ninja, but your retelling of this tale is absolutely hilarious!! I am so glad that it is done and over with for you :) I had two fillings done a few months ago, and the dentist was a big green meanie. Apparently it was my fault that someone scheduled my filling for her lunch time. She threatened me with a root canal. Evil, evil dentist!

Losing It said...

I hate that barrier they use for fillings! My mouth is always in more pain because of them than the drilling.

Glad you survived, sounds like you have a nice dentist at least :)

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