I jumped on scale post-potty this morning and 175 stared up at me from the floor. A mere 15 pounds now lurk between me and my goal. I did a little happy dance, kissed Jeeves and finished getting ready for work. Then as I was blow drying my hair a bit of existentialism snuck into my brain.
I starting thinking about a year ago, when this all began. I was not paying attention to what I was eating and when. I did not have much in the way of intentional movement and I hadn't been on a scale in well over a year. Today when I got on the scale I was thinking about how much water I drank yesterday and whether the extra serving of carrots and hummus was going to bite me in the ass (and hang on adding a few extra ounces.) When I was fat I didn't think about how quickly I was gaining. I didn't pay attention to how much cheese I added to things, knowing that a serving is okay but a handful is not. I didn't jump on the scale and say, "Wow, that donut didn't do as much damage as it should have." I never obsessed over a pound lost or gained the way I do now.
In a way I miss the clueless-ness. I miss the blissful ignorance of not realizing (read: caring) what shitty food does to my body. I miss not keeping a running calorie total in my head each day. I miss being offered a dessert and just saying yes if it looked good.
I'd love to say that I hated my body when I was fat and felt awful, but I don't believe I did. I will say this though, the indifference I had toward my body has changed to pride in what it can do. My thought processes have changed with regard to so many things since starting this journey. I don't believe I will ever go back to the way things were. Those could be hollow words, I'm sure everyone who has lost a lot has uttered similar sentiments. Time will tell and life will test me I'm sure. It's never a good time to decide to lose weight, it's always hard and it always sucks for at least awhile, but I've been blessed that I've not had any major trauma or drama in my life during this period.
When I was in high school (10 years ago) there was a Sister Hazel song on the radio, it struck a chord with me then (as much as a chord can be struck with a privileged girl who never really had to go without anything) and in many ways it still does. You can find the lyrics here, and here's a you tube video. It's where the title of the post came from and it's a good message for me and my dieting friends.
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind.
Zucchini Pasta w/ Poached Eggs and Asparagus.- on Nellie's Cook Book
Now I have a new mission, be an excellent pie maker as well as a cookie and cake baker. I'm going to conquer the pastry arts one dessert at a time.