Thanks, Kate and Lydia!

I am a huge fan of Rants from Mommy Land, and I'm also a sarcastic crafting wild woman, to that end I drafted the following segment to be considered for the RFML blog only to discover that the section had been retired last year, (bummer-town, population: me) so I asked for permission to post it here, (because they gave me the inspiration) and they agreed, so enjoy. 

Domestic Enemies of the Crafty Mom

 Kids: So, if you are a crafty Mom it’s a fair bet you are making stuff for your kids, however getting them to try on their new, stupidly involved Christmas dress so you can hem it is like trying to dress an oiled cat. Then they finally get in on and don’t want to take it off, (it’s so pretty, like a princess) cause they need to finish eating their chocolate ice cream…and nacho cheese Doritos.
             That, or, “I don’t like it” (whiny) and “It’s itchy” (shut it kid, you think everything you wear is going to be comfortable? Teen-dom is gonna be rough for you) and “I want to wear my polka dot jammies to church instead” (on Easter? No dice chief, you are wearing this itchy, pretty, dress so no one will notice that mommy’s socks don’t match)

Husbands: These remarkably helpful individuals who take out the trash and kill bugs are no help when you have finished a new shirt at 10pm. It’s been a long day and you’ve sewn the same seam six times. What would take a childless woman two hours, has taken you eight; thanks to an experiment in how much Captain Crunch will fit into the bag less vacuum cleaner.
            You are all excited about your sewing prowess and he thinks that since you have interrupted Fox News it must be “magic time”. Then realizing his wrongness, (hello, I’ve been crafting all night) his response to your creativity is “Oh, …nice…”  This is the same man who jumps on the couch, throws food, and occasionally feigns a drawn out painful death when sport things happen on the TV. Dude, seriously? Fake for me a little, please?

Craft Stores: the people who run these dens of sin must have one of the lesser demons on speed dial. Can we say gluttony, greed and envy? I swear they have us on government wire taps and when our bank accounts are just low enough, they run the best freaking sale ever, and with everything you will ever need to do all of the most amazing projects you’ve ever wanted to do. So, you either do without the awesome teal knit fabric with little apples flying across it, or you don’t buy diapers that week. (But you can make some with your new fabric.)

Non-crafters: Sure there are a ton of folks out there how understand the time and work you put in to crafting, and they even understand why, but nothing takes the “look what I did” out of your sails like some snitch commenting about how she just doesn’t have time to “make things” (this said as if crafting were the social equivalent to shoveling sewage) and that she has so many “more important things to do” (yeah, like tanning and watching jersey shore re-runs). This irritates us crafters more than anything and for the rest of the day we are plotting revenge and googling car bombs instead of enjoying the comments from strangers about the epic cuteness of the crocheted pumpkin sweater our daughter is wearing while sitting in a big pile of pumpkins. (No really, that’s awesome…right?)

Moochers: Every family has one, somebody who finds out that you have a skill and seeks to exploit it for their own gain. These are the people who “just love everything you do” and “aren’t you so talented?” These are also the people who show up at your house under the guise of a friendly visit and hand you a bag saying, “here I bought this pirate costume pattern and some black fabric, I’m sure you just have the rest of the stuff you’ll need laying around the house, right? Kthanksbye…”  Oh and they need it by next week. Um, no. (In related news: in a fit of irritation at this very situation, I may or may not have “accidentally” made a costume that was held together so poorly the woman wearing flashed a bar full of people, don’t judge me)

Holidays: Yes, I am awesome and yes, I can make stuff. But, dear Maude, why do I feel the need to decide each year that I am going to “save some money” and craft gifts for everyone on my list. This decision usually comes in October at which I decide that “I have plenty of time” and I’ll wait till things go on sale. Which usually happens on December 20th , at which time I become a reclusive hermit who lives off of red bull and pop tarts. You’ll know the time this has happened because I can be seen walking through stores at Christmas time covered in bits of thread with strings of cooled hot glue stuck to my pants.
            The best to-do list in the world cannot save you from holiday crafting. The entire holiday season is one long mantra of “I’ll get caught up tomorrow.” Then on the day of a given family event your dressed up family irritably waits with you in the car as you finish sewing the last thing and shoving it into a gift bag as you pull up to someone’s house. “Wow, you really like it, I’m so glad, no, it took no time at all…why yes, that is Captain Crunch in my hair”  

Oh, oh, oh and Happy New Year!

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