Confused: Let me Explain
-Most mornings I wake up confused about where I am. I have two little people who routinely sneak into bed with me and so occasionally I wake up hanging off the edge of the bed with a small, ridiculously hot little bag of elbows both kicking me in the ribs and sleeping on my face. Add to this the "I feel like someone just drugged my Cosmo" feeling that stays with you all day long. So,when your eyes open in the morning you're never really sure if you are in bed or in a barn somewhere. (also Jeeves snores -really- loud, so the barn is usually my first assumption.)
-I don't remember what happened yesterday, or 5 minutes ago. I can't really remember anything. Why didn't I buy dryer sheets, milk -and- toddler underwear at the store? Because, they are all in different sections, and I got distracted by the machine that lets you listen to snippets of each song on a myriad of CD's including one CD of love songs that had me sobbing in The Wal-Marts. (By the way you can probably see pictures of that Hot Tranny Mess on the "People of Walmart" website) No I didn't read the shopping list, why? because I was wrangling two toddlers who kept asking me about M&M's and why I was crying, dude, shut up!
-I look like hell. For serious, I have bruises all over the place and the dark circles under my eyes have started changing colors like a mood ring. "How are you feeling, Ninja?"..."I'm not really sure, what color is my face?" None of my clothing seems to work out. The minute I get pregnant, even though they still fit, regular pants are no longer an option for me. And in spite of the fact that I haven't even gained a pound yet, my uterus has decided that it's going to grow like that damned alien cocoon thing in the Species movie. Not even eight weeks in and already people are giving me those creepy, "I know what you've been up too..." smiles that they reserve for pregnant ladies and porn actresses. (let's face it we get those smiles for the same reason)
- My stomach is really, really angry with me. You know that tense, "Wait, am I going the throw up?" feeling that comes with a hangover? Add to that an inconsistent flip flop between constipation and the other option and you've got a recipe for a complete inability to concentrate on anything but deep breathing and possibly never eating any thing ever again. But! Wait! You also have varying degrees of "I'm so hungry I could ninja kick that kid and steal what's left of her candy bar" and "Dear god if anyone even says the word pickle I'm gonna hurl" It's like my digestive tract has schizophrenia.
It would be really cool if being in this movie included (sexy even when looking like he's been hit by a bus) Bradley Cooper hanging around being all hot and charming, however in my version the only thing that you forget in the trunk are your keys (shit!) and when you wake up on the roof you are actually glad because at least it's quiet.
*Also the picture was from Halloween 2009, and I went out in public like that. Yes, I did.