I had a meltdown last night. I was sad, I don't know why.
I still am a little sad today, still don't know why.
Pre life change, feeling sad meant I would toss a half box of elbow macaroni and a few chicken bullion cubes in a pot and then pour parmesan cheese over the pseudo-soup and chow down for hours while reading a romance novel (but skipping to the good parts, wink)
Well, last night I decided that since I'm trying to change, and also since there was no macaroni in my house that I would just feel what I was feeling and figure out something else. (I'm not so sure that I would have been strong if there had been pasta in the house, not buying it has been an intentional choice and apparently a good one) I was down and sad, but not hopeless or feeling useless. So I decided to try some different things I've always been too full of elbow noodles to do. I cleaned up the girl's room, I did a 10 minute biggest loser workout, I read some blogs, I re-arranged my closet, I sat and cried for awhile, and then I went to Jeeves and told him I needed him.
He held me and let me cry and listened when I tried to talk about it. I know I didn't make sense, but when I was done and exhausted, he brought me a big glass of ice water and told me he would put the munches to bed and I could go to sleep if I wanted to. I did want to, so I did. I felt supported and loved and cared for. Much better than full and ashamed.
Today I feel better, maybe I was mostly just stressed and tired. I'm a mother of two with a full time job and a husband who has not worked since the beginning of the year. Stress is just part of the deal, I gotta take the occasional bad with the multitudes of good. This morning I found both of my little ones had crawled into bed with me and were snuggled up with me. They were warm, one on each side, tucked under my arm with their little curly heads nuzzled into me and they smelled like Johnson's baby lotion. I stayed there for an hour snuggling my babies and kissing their sleepy little faces.
Then I cried some more, happy, mommy crying (you know what I'm talking about) because I am so very blessed.
I'll take feeling cared for, loved and blessed over the post-sad-fat-soup bloat any day