10/19/2011

Like A$$holes...

I'd like to take a minute to address one of the things pregnant women have to deal with as soon as they begin showing, advice. To be fair, this affects most women. It doesn't matter if you are trying to conceive, sharing your good news, or just looking kind of fat that day. Near as I can tell, there are 5 types of advice.

1. The not-really advice: This comes from snarky women in Target as you lumber through the store, steering the cart with your new outie belly button. You just came in for tube socks for the kids (where the hell do those things disappear to?) but you are now standing in line with a purse, candy apple flavored candy corn, olives, a box of Stauffer's lasagna, new underwear, clearance rack Easter decorations, a purple washcloth, 2 new "unbreakable" water bottles to replace the one's that broke (have you met my children?), and 7 coloring books. Your children are arguing/giggling/fighting/crying/sleepy/hungry/whiny, and this woman pulls up beside you with her two containers of diet yogurt and says, "Having another one, eh? Brave woman, you're gonna have your hands full, Better you then me." Then she proceeds to sashay her tiny ass past you, but not before poking you with her elbow like you are co-conspirators in keeping the gods from getting her knocked up. (anybody else wanna deck this lady?) I sort of wanted to chase her down and give her a Sugarbaker-esque dress down about how my children are the light of my life, but I figured I'd end up a weeping puddle and they'd start a "Lunatics of Target" website based on a picture of me.

2. The scarily dangerous advice:  This advice usually comes from a member of the generation or two ahead of you who tries to convince you that, in fact, Drain-o was created to cure cradle cap and when her babies were small she take a shoe brush and grind that green powder into their skulls and it "just cleared right up" Let's not mention the fact that her children now resemble the Toxic Avenger and eat wall paper, but hey, they didn't have any more issues with cradle cap.

3. The well meaning yet WTF!!!, advice: This usually comes from a "friend" (read: psycho who won't forget your phone number) who can change diapers while doing stand on her head yoga poses. "Oh, your little one has pink eye, squirt a little breast milk on there, it'll clear it right up." This could actually be true, however, ew! "Also did you know bathing in olive juice and anchovies will help with stretch marks?" um, no.
Sometimes there are things that you might do in the privacy of your own home that should not be shared.

4. The thinly veiled criticism: Coming from everyone you know (come to think of it, maybe I'm just being overly sensitive) this advice often sounds like..."Oh, you're drinking coffee, and you're pregnant?"
"Did you know that unpasteurized cheese is not good for mommies to be?"
"Wow, how much have you gained so far? You know, they say that 25-30 pounds is the most you should gain"
"Was your face that puffy before you got pregnant?"
"You're never in the mood? I was hor-ny when I was pregnant, couldn't get enough of it"
"Are you sleeping well, your face looks like it's been beaten with a hammer"
Dude. Shut. Up.

5. The Good Advice: None.
Seriously folks, stow it.
This is not my first time at the rodeo, I got this.

6 comments:

Brittany_Va-VoomVintage said...

HAAHAA! I've heard all of that and then some. Here's my advice: You go, girl!!

Kelly said...

Bahahahaha!!! #2 cracked my shit up. Ohhh don'tcha just love it?

Dr. Fat To Fit said...

You're so funny! I had all those experiences when I was pregnant. Next time, just smile and say, "Oh no, this one I'm not keeping, we're selling it on ebay." OR burst into tears and tell them how your husband didn't get the vasectomy he promised. OR tell them you have to have one kid per husband, it's in the cult's rules. That'll shut em up.

Losing It said...

lol!

Ana said...

Rock on, my friend! I love this post :)

(My favorite words: "You don't look pregnant at all!" one week, and then the next time you see them, maybe 3 days later, "DAMN! It's twins! Look at your belly!")

Julie said...

I heard that kind of stuff to except about the number of kids I had except you know, doing daycare and taking them shopping or out for activities someone will say, they are ALL yours. Sometimes just to shock them I'll say yes and love them all.
Keep going girl. Just smile and enjoy your new bundle to be.
Take care and God Bless!!

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