Ladies and Gents,
breathe deep....
It's decorative gourd season
It's chilly night season
It's harvest flavored coffee season
It's Chili season
It's extra layer season
It's falling leaves
It's apple picking
It's Pumpkin Patches
and costumes
and dark mornings
and boots
and candy
and all of my favorite things.
It's October and I'm in love with October.
So enjoy the fall while it lasts, wherever you are.
I miss writing and hope to rediscover my muse, but she remains sleepy and uninspired.
Jammer turned 1 on Monday and as I reflect on the last year I am reminded that even in the face of crazy life non-sense I can find countless moments of joy and the ever present peace of god's love for me. I am a blessed woman and I am happy.
Type Soon....I promise.
10/01/2014
8/15/2014
Fatty Fat Fatterson
Dude,
I went to the doctor last week and I have hit the top again. 227!!!
It's disheartening and frustrating and also I hate that I let it bug me so much. I am more comfortable now in my skin than I have been at any other point in my life. But when I look at myself in the mirror I don't see the funny, smart, kind, faithful person I am. I see a big ass. and big thighs, and a slight gut, and bad posture, and hair I don't have time to deal with.
So, as with most things in life, this makes me reflective.
I think back to being in high school and college and thinking that I needed to cover all that up with more clothes. That it couldn't possibly be sexy, why would anyone want to be with me. I remember wishing I had to confidence to wear the clothes the other people around me were wearing (but remember this was the late 90's, I'm now glad no one has pictures of me in any of those things, good lord)
I think ahead, at what it might do to my daughters if I get down on my body and my appearance. Do you know what they say? They tell me I'm beautiful, when I'm in a good mood they tell me how much they love my smile and "happy voice" With minimal effort I get little hands cupping my face telling me I'm the most beautiful mommy ever. They only see the good now, how might my insecurities tarnish that? Probably a lot.
In the movie plot of my life, this is the point where I drive in the slowly fading sunset and listen to grungy 90's music and stare contemplatively into the distance thinking about the next steps.
so, yeah, gonna go do that now.
I went to the doctor last week and I have hit the top again. 227!!!
It's disheartening and frustrating and also I hate that I let it bug me so much. I am more comfortable now in my skin than I have been at any other point in my life. But when I look at myself in the mirror I don't see the funny, smart, kind, faithful person I am. I see a big ass. and big thighs, and a slight gut, and bad posture, and hair I don't have time to deal with.
So, as with most things in life, this makes me reflective.
I think back to being in high school and college and thinking that I needed to cover all that up with more clothes. That it couldn't possibly be sexy, why would anyone want to be with me. I remember wishing I had to confidence to wear the clothes the other people around me were wearing (but remember this was the late 90's, I'm now glad no one has pictures of me in any of those things, good lord)
I think ahead, at what it might do to my daughters if I get down on my body and my appearance. Do you know what they say? They tell me I'm beautiful, when I'm in a good mood they tell me how much they love my smile and "happy voice" With minimal effort I get little hands cupping my face telling me I'm the most beautiful mommy ever. They only see the good now, how might my insecurities tarnish that? Probably a lot.
In the movie plot of my life, this is the point where I drive in the slowly fading sunset and listen to grungy 90's music and stare contemplatively into the distance thinking about the next steps.
so, yeah, gonna go do that now.
8/04/2014
You've changed.
When you are pregnant and thinking of the months ahead when you will have a floppy, giggly, screamy bundle of baby you are not thinking of the years ahead. At least I wasn't. In my head, children did this magical turn from toddler to adult. I would have lots of snuggles and hugs and dirty diapers and then I would have a 21st birthday party and start thinking about grand babies.
The interim escaped my focus until it hit me square in the chin last weekend. I have an 8 year old. She's sarcastic and kind and emotional and not at all like the coffee slurping young adult I was picturing 9 years ago when I thought about being a Mommy. I was ill prepared for having to teach someone how to keep them self busy, how easy it is to hurt someone's feelings, how to wash their own hair, why it is important to use toilet paper (gross).
It's becoming more and more obvious as the years gain momentum that they ways that being a mother changes you are not easy to describe. That's probably why I haven't read a book about it yet. I think it's because no one can wrap words around what happens. You have a baby, who becomes a person, and the person they will become fundamentally affects the person you are turning into.
Before I became a parent I spoke differently, hypocrisy; while not ideal, was not as obvious because I didn't have a loud mouthed sidekick with no filter. I could snark all day long and never wonder that my words might get transmitted in the worst way possible to the object of my tirade. Now when I serve them veggies and spend my night downing Doritos, I usually see an inquisitive pair of blue eyes asking why I can eat straight from the bag but she has to get a bowl and stay in the kitchen.
I am humbled by the task I have been assigned. Being half responsible for teaching 4 other people how to move about in the world is a job that should come with some pre-requisites. I mean one could design a course requirement outline for parenting. It would involve:
Philosophy (Mommy why is Blue)
Sociology (Mommy why are people mean to each other?)
Accounting (How do I feed 6 people on this salary)
Biology (mommy where do babies come from)
Chemistry (Why tin foil should not go in the microwave)
Literature (put down the game and read a book for Gods sake)
English (WTF is not a sentence, use real words)
Fundamentals of Nutrition (Ninja Turtle fruit snacks are not an appropriate dinner option)
Communication (speak well, speak up, and remember that your is not the only opinion)
Pre-med (it's a mild fever, you are not going to die)
But beyond that there are so many things that just cannot be taught. Mom's have this magic look that can stop shenanigans in thier tracks. We can manage to fit things to care for 4 people into one bag and actually have everything we need. We can grocery shop with children.
So yes, I have changed. I am not the same Nellie I was 10 years ago, but I like this honest, capable, loving version of myself.
The interim escaped my focus until it hit me square in the chin last weekend. I have an 8 year old. She's sarcastic and kind and emotional and not at all like the coffee slurping young adult I was picturing 9 years ago when I thought about being a Mommy. I was ill prepared for having to teach someone how to keep them self busy, how easy it is to hurt someone's feelings, how to wash their own hair, why it is important to use toilet paper (gross).
It's becoming more and more obvious as the years gain momentum that they ways that being a mother changes you are not easy to describe. That's probably why I haven't read a book about it yet. I think it's because no one can wrap words around what happens. You have a baby, who becomes a person, and the person they will become fundamentally affects the person you are turning into.
Before I became a parent I spoke differently, hypocrisy; while not ideal, was not as obvious because I didn't have a loud mouthed sidekick with no filter. I could snark all day long and never wonder that my words might get transmitted in the worst way possible to the object of my tirade. Now when I serve them veggies and spend my night downing Doritos, I usually see an inquisitive pair of blue eyes asking why I can eat straight from the bag but she has to get a bowl and stay in the kitchen.
I am humbled by the task I have been assigned. Being half responsible for teaching 4 other people how to move about in the world is a job that should come with some pre-requisites. I mean one could design a course requirement outline for parenting. It would involve:
Philosophy (Mommy why is Blue)
Sociology (Mommy why are people mean to each other?)
Accounting (How do I feed 6 people on this salary)
Biology (mommy where do babies come from)
Chemistry (Why tin foil should not go in the microwave)
Literature (put down the game and read a book for Gods sake)
English (WTF is not a sentence, use real words)
Fundamentals of Nutrition (Ninja Turtle fruit snacks are not an appropriate dinner option)
Communication (speak well, speak up, and remember that your is not the only opinion)
Pre-med (it's a mild fever, you are not going to die)
But beyond that there are so many things that just cannot be taught. Mom's have this magic look that can stop shenanigans in thier tracks. We can manage to fit things to care for 4 people into one bag and actually have everything we need. We can grocery shop with children.
So yes, I have changed. I am not the same Nellie I was 10 years ago, but I like this honest, capable, loving version of myself.
7/23/2014
Running Toward Toddler
Sidebar: Did you ever have a blog post idea that seemed super profound and like it would be a work of literary awesome only to then fall back asleep and completely forget what the topic was, but remember how epic it would have been? No? me neither (cursing quietly)
My little dude is nearly ten months old. He is a grinning, soggy, smiling little butter ball. He loves it when I sing and dance with him. He wants to have bites of whatever I am eating. He believes that my actual full time job is to hold him whenever we are in the same room. He learned how to do kisses this week.
And he is walking.
let me just let that sink in.
My last baby, the one who will be "the baby" has decided that he is done with crawling and tries to walk everywhere. He looks like an orangutan, he walks with his arms in the air and he is really unsteady, but he's not even 10 months old yet. Dude, could you just calm down. I don't get to do this again. You are the last one! I need to saok up every bit of baby you have to give. My mommy heart can't handle your headlong rush toward toddler-hood.
My little dude is nearly ten months old. He is a grinning, soggy, smiling little butter ball. He loves it when I sing and dance with him. He wants to have bites of whatever I am eating. He believes that my actual full time job is to hold him whenever we are in the same room. He learned how to do kisses this week.
And he is walking.
let me just let that sink in.
My last baby, the one who will be "the baby" has decided that he is done with crawling and tries to walk everywhere. He looks like an orangutan, he walks with his arms in the air and he is really unsteady, but he's not even 10 months old yet. Dude, could you just calm down. I don't get to do this again. You are the last one! I need to saok up every bit of baby you have to give. My mommy heart can't handle your headlong rush toward toddler-hood.
7/10/2014
Hindsight being 20/20 and all...
In recent months I have had some time to reflect honestly about my previous job. I thought, at the time, that I was doing okay and just a little behind. But here's the thing.
That's not accurate.
I was not good at the parts of that job that were important. It was a never ending list of long term projects. I have ADD and I am not good with long term, do when you have time, but make sure it's done by this date projects. Give me a thing to do right now, I'm brilliant.
I was not brilliant.
I was behind, and scatter brained, and terrible.
And then I was depressed.
Really, actually, painfully; probably clinically, depressed. and I didn't realize it. Between the birth of my older son, and the day I was fired from my job, I sank deeper and deeper. I got to the point where doing anything was exhausting. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to do anything, cook, talk to my kids....
I feel the difference now, in a way that I don't believe I could have if I had recognized it and made the choice to get medication. I feel the lightness and the certainty that I have not over looked something that is going to end my livelihood.
I don't have much more to add on that, but introspection is interesting.
And here are some babies
That's not accurate.
I was not good at the parts of that job that were important. It was a never ending list of long term projects. I have ADD and I am not good with long term, do when you have time, but make sure it's done by this date projects. Give me a thing to do right now, I'm brilliant.
I was not brilliant.
I was behind, and scatter brained, and terrible.
And then I was depressed.
Really, actually, painfully; probably clinically, depressed. and I didn't realize it. Between the birth of my older son, and the day I was fired from my job, I sank deeper and deeper. I got to the point where doing anything was exhausting. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to do anything, cook, talk to my kids....
I feel the difference now, in a way that I don't believe I could have if I had recognized it and made the choice to get medication. I feel the lightness and the certainty that I have not over looked something that is going to end my livelihood.
I don't have much more to add on that, but introspection is interesting.
And here are some babies
7/08/2014
The Schedule Myth
So Jeeves and I have been trying for the last two years to discover the perfect set of actions that would make up, "our schedule" a thing that would allow everyone to sleep and no one to miss activities and babysitting to be obtained when it was needed. The problem with this is... Jeeves. He is a midnight supervisor and has a very flexible schedule on top of needing to attend daytime meetings, be a part of the family and have time to do his own thing.
It turns out that there is never going to be a time in our lives when things just "work" He is always going to have church elder meetings, training, meetings and daytime crap to do. I am always going to have girl scouts, outings with the kids, happy hour with work and grocery shopping. We are, in reality, going to be scrambling for childcare for at least the next 5 years at which point Pumpkin will be old enough to assist with managing her siblings for short periods of time.
There is a freedom and calm in recognizing this. I don't feel failure when I can't get a thing done in time, I have let go of the idea that we can have a schedule because every. single. week. something causes that to go down to the tube. I get to the end of the week without having kept to "the schedule" and feel like I've done someone some huge disservice. Turns out that disservice is expecting to fit our lives into a rigid structure.
Well, no more. I am embracing the chaos. I love my home and my babies and I am going to live in the crazy for the next little while. As long as everyone is fed, clean and gets to school on time, i'm being successful at this mommy business. When it works, great; when it doesn't, oh well.
Last night all the kids ate dinner before 8pm, everyone slept in their own bed, and I didn't shovel chocolate into my face before collapsing into my nightly 5 hour coma. I am winning,
Also: I went grocery shopping last night and am now armed to take on the week and try to lose a few pounds. I am buying a scale on august 1st and going to try to make the first weigh in be a pleasant surprise. I digging in and making big food changes that are smart and sustainable. I'm NOT on a diet, I'm changing my life again. and this time I'm taking the whole family with me.
Dinner last night was sloppy Joe's made with grounf turkey and liberally laced with pureed broccoli. Everyone loved them.
Tonight, crock pot orange chicken with a mix of brown rice and steamed cauliflower rice. bring on the fiber.
It turns out that there is never going to be a time in our lives when things just "work" He is always going to have church elder meetings, training, meetings and daytime crap to do. I am always going to have girl scouts, outings with the kids, happy hour with work and grocery shopping. We are, in reality, going to be scrambling for childcare for at least the next 5 years at which point Pumpkin will be old enough to assist with managing her siblings for short periods of time.
There is a freedom and calm in recognizing this. I don't feel failure when I can't get a thing done in time, I have let go of the idea that we can have a schedule because every. single. week. something causes that to go down to the tube. I get to the end of the week without having kept to "the schedule" and feel like I've done someone some huge disservice. Turns out that disservice is expecting to fit our lives into a rigid structure.
Well, no more. I am embracing the chaos. I love my home and my babies and I am going to live in the crazy for the next little while. As long as everyone is fed, clean and gets to school on time, i'm being successful at this mommy business. When it works, great; when it doesn't, oh well.
Last night all the kids ate dinner before 8pm, everyone slept in their own bed, and I didn't shovel chocolate into my face before collapsing into my nightly 5 hour coma. I am winning,
Also: I went grocery shopping last night and am now armed to take on the week and try to lose a few pounds. I am buying a scale on august 1st and going to try to make the first weigh in be a pleasant surprise. I digging in and making big food changes that are smart and sustainable. I'm NOT on a diet, I'm changing my life again. and this time I'm taking the whole family with me.
Dinner last night was sloppy Joe's made with grounf turkey and liberally laced with pureed broccoli. Everyone loved them.
Tonight, crock pot orange chicken with a mix of brown rice and steamed cauliflower rice. bring on the fiber.
7/07/2014
Who is this guy?
Jeeves has finally decided to get on the living better through eating better train along with me.
Our children are doomed.
bwahahahahahahahaha
Ahem.
So I am shopping tonight, filling my fridge with frozen veggies, lean proteins, and good carbs and fats. I'm cooking large amounts to have healthy microwavable leftovers. He's asked me not to buy soda and he has agreed to run a 5K with me in October.
no really, he has.
and since it is a Halloween themed run, he is going to wear a costume.
I swear he said he would.
So on October 12th, Jeeves and I are going to dress up like Anna and Kristoff and run a 5K together. We most likely we are going to jog, but still.
I have agreed to do one 5K every month for the next foreseeable future and have harangued one of my best friends into doing it with me. I have done this, not because I hate myself, but because I desire a smaller waist line and a more pleasing silhouette. Knowing that you have paid hard earned money to hoof your butt down the road and get a t-shirt makes you re-consider eating 3 donuts.
Along that same line, we have begun sleep training with both of the boys and soon I will have my bedroom all to myself.
what?
What?
That's right, Doodle is now only fighting with token resistance to bed time and Jammer has started sleeping a least the majority of the night in his pack and play. Until they are both in a good routine I am keeping them separate so they don't wake one another up. This ties in with a healthier lifestyle for me because 75% of my overeating happens when I am too tired to make it through the day and I reach for high sugar, short term energy boosters, like Twizzlers.
I have other things in the works, more to come.
Our children are doomed.
bwahahahahahahahaha
Ahem.
So I am shopping tonight, filling my fridge with frozen veggies, lean proteins, and good carbs and fats. I'm cooking large amounts to have healthy microwavable leftovers. He's asked me not to buy soda and he has agreed to run a 5K with me in October.
no really, he has.
and since it is a Halloween themed run, he is going to wear a costume.
I swear he said he would.
So on October 12th, Jeeves and I are going to dress up like Anna and Kristoff and run a 5K together. We most likely we are going to jog, but still.
I have agreed to do one 5K every month for the next foreseeable future and have harangued one of my best friends into doing it with me. I have done this, not because I hate myself, but because I desire a smaller waist line and a more pleasing silhouette. Knowing that you have paid hard earned money to hoof your butt down the road and get a t-shirt makes you re-consider eating 3 donuts.
Along that same line, we have begun sleep training with both of the boys and soon I will have my bedroom all to myself.
what?
What?
That's right, Doodle is now only fighting with token resistance to bed time and Jammer has started sleeping a least the majority of the night in his pack and play. Until they are both in a good routine I am keeping them separate so they don't wake one another up. This ties in with a healthier lifestyle for me because 75% of my overeating happens when I am too tired to make it through the day and I reach for high sugar, short term energy boosters, like Twizzlers.
I have other things in the works, more to come.
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